What if you were in a relationship where someone was constantly putting you down?
Calling you fat, calling you lazy, ugly, and stupid. Accusing you of not trying hard enough or not doing the right things. Never acknowledging your accomplishments, but the first one to pour salt in your wounds when you failed.
What if you could never get away from this voice? It was in your ear, interrupting your concentration. Butting in and ruining happy moments.
What if this someone kept you from setting big goals because they said that you would never succeed?
Maybe this person is crafty. They may tell you these things in a kind, I’m-just-looking-out-for-your-best-interests voice.
But however nice and rational the tone; you still feel bad, guilty, upset, discouraged, alone, tired.
Would you want out of that relationship?
I was in a relationship exactly like this one for a very long time.
I felt exhausted and insecure all the time.
But there was no other half giving out the insults. No one for me to retaliate against.
Because it was all me.
I was the bitch.
My relationship with myself was heinous. I was apathetic, manipulative and downright brutal.
I bullied myself.
I lied to myself.
I was a master of the catch-22.
And I am not alone in acting this way.
We all want what’s best for ourselves. It’s human nature to want abundance.
We all crave that healthy weight and happy life.
But somehow in this quest for weight loss, we decide that scare tactics and threats are what get the job done.
We think it’s helpful.
We think nothing would get done if we weren’t like this.
This is what “getting serious about weight loss” means.
It’s tough love.
We think we’re saving ourselves from self-destructing.
The truth is, we don’t need to be saved from anything.
During the whole time that I was ‘getting tough’ with myself about weight loss, I had a reoccurring thought.
I thought it had nothing to do with my weight loss. That it was a different topic entirely.
Nonetheless, my brain would play this thought like a broken record.
Every day, multiple times a day, I would let out a big sigh and say
“I need a vacation”.
I felt exhausted and discouraged each time I said it. I wouldn’t feel like doing anything.
The interesting thing is that I never consciously got rid of that thought. Usually, I would work it. Dissolve it. Find a better thought.
But I didn’t do any of that.
I just noticed one day I wasn’t thinking it anymore.
Because what I thought I needed a vacation from wasn’t work, or my obligations.
What I needed a vacation from was my inner bitch.
Subconsciously I knew that. But consciously I just knew I needed a break. A big one. From all the clatter in my mind.
Because beating myself up was tiring, depressing and disappointing. And, ironically, didn’t make me feel motivated to lose weight at all.
When I started paying attention to how I spoke to myself, the first thing I noticed was just how much I was doing it.
It was astonishing.
I was embarrassed that I would treat myself that way with that intensity.
Never would I ever in a million years say half of those things to anyone else.
The second thing I noticed (almost immediately) was how much more energy I had when I stopped.
There was a direct correlation between me stopping the beatings and my energy levels skyrocketing.
Have I rebounded back to that old abusive relationship?
Sure. My inner bitch will sneak a call to me once in a while to make sure I’m not slacking. But I’ve got her on a security alert.
I’m pretty in tune to how I talk to myself now.
If she sneaks in a comment like:
“Whatever – I don’t care”
“You know you’re going to eat it anyway, so just do it”
“I shouldn’t be taking a break”
“I’m not as good as that person”
“That sounds stupid”
“I’ll do it later – just not right now”
“Trust me- I’ll (workout/eat less/skip dessert) later”
“No one will listen to you”
“They will hate you”
“Why can’t you just stop?”
“You should be working harder”
“You should have reached your goal by now”
And then I apologize to myself.
Because it’s mean to say those things to someone.
Especially when that someone is you.
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